I love the mountain tops. But with the mountain tops, come the valley's in between. That's where I am at right now. Being raised in church my whole life, and being a preacher's kid, sometimes people think I have it all together. That couldn't be further from the truth. I struggle just like everyone else, sometimes daily. Especially here lately. There are some days, I'm completely at peace about not being able to have our own children, then there are days, like the past week, I'm completely upset about it and mad. I look at pregnant women or people who have children and am totally envious and jealous of them. I want their life, but more importantly I want what God wants for my life.
We took our foster care classes but everytime we get close to actually signing our license, they come up with another piece of paperwork that's missing. AHHHH!! Sometimes life is just so unfair. I think Boyd and I would be great parents and I just don't understand why it is so hard to make that happen. If Boyd was closer to my age, then I would say we have more time, but he will be turning 50 next year. I know the Lord's timing is perfect, and people keep telling me that, but when I'm in the valley, it goes in one ear and out the other. It just plain makes me mad.
I haven't been singing specials at church lately, because my heart and mind aren't where they need to be. I've been going to church and sitting though the messages, but wasn't really hearing what was being said.
Well, yesterday was different! I went to church and my friend Mel got up to sing a special and she sang "my" song...
I choose by Ivan Parker
Master, may I be so honest
Could I admit the way I feel?
I’m hurting, it seems that you’ve forsaken
I wonder, is Your love for me still real?
Though my friends think that I am happy
Unaffected by this trail
They can’t see the pain I’m hiding
Just under my smile
Master, I can’t live this way anymore
So today I make my choice
Chorus
I choose to believe that You are faithful
And my heart is in Your hands
And this mystery that I face today
Is part of a greater plan
I choose not to be discouraged
When the sun will not break through
I have the choice of trusting you
So Lord this is what I choose
I know this road will not be easy
I know I’ll have my weaker days
And Satan will tell me I don’t mean it
When I say, “I’ll trust God all the way”
But that doesn’t really matter
I refuse to hear him out
With my faith I’ll find the power
That will overcome all doubt
Lord, I’ve never felt so strong
As when I’m resting in your arms
Chorus
I choose to believe
That this mystery that I face today
Is part of a greater plan
I choose not to be discouraged
When the sun will not break through
I have the choice of trusting you
So, Lord this is what I choose
That was it. I began sobbing, not crying. You know the sound you make when you try to hold it in and then you have to let it lose. I went down to the altar in the middle of her song. I couldn't even say the words, I was crying so hard, but the Lord knew what I was thinking and knew my heart. I went back and sat down and then Pastor Jeff's sermon was SO for me. I walked away feeling so much better. I'm not saying I won't be in the valley again, but I DO KNOW that the Lord will be waiting on me with open arms and tell me everything will be alright. In HIS time.
So, I'm trusting the Lord and am leaning on my friend Tammy's favorite verse...
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE!!!
This is my new puppy Bailey Jo Combs. Isn't she a cutie. I got her on Friday from my cousin Gina. Bailey's daddy is a border collie and her mom is part Great Pryenese and Commodore. I am in TROUBLE. I had a Pryenese before and she got to be about 80 lbs or so, but with Commodore added to it, OH NO! My brother had a Commodore and he was huge. When he hiked his leg he peed all over my cousins car window. I'm kind of excited to see how big she gets.
